Combating the Blues

I warn you: the following post is not full of encouraging happiness. For those of you who do not struggle with chronic illness & the resulting social isolation, it is extremely likely you will find this post offensive or somewhat un-Christian. But I know that my fellow chronic survivors out there can relate, because you’ve probably all felt this, probably more than once already….

Today is a day of blues.. & no I don’t mean, a day of melancholic music, but a day of increasing sadness.

This week funnily enough, even though it was a shorter week, has truly felt like at least a year of my life. And today once again, I find myself in much the same place I was when I started thinking about this blog:  alone, desperate to help others who feel this pain; desperate to help myself when I feel this pain.

Today, I watched the world around me go about their business; I watched them enjoy their weekend, while I sat in pain trying desperately to survive; to do at least one task on my to-do-list. You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Then again, you’d think that someone would have sat by my side or given me a hug, but no.

I felt somewhat like I had accidentally clicked the “Invisible” button on GChat & made the world unable to see me anymore. Today I sat alone.

Over this past week, I have been surrounded by constant reminders of my failings: from my family, colleagues & friends: about how my feelings & illness interrupt with their plans, about how my health just brings the party down & ruins the mood & today, I watched everyone I care about scurry away from me, because I wore that sad, pained expression on my face & did not have the strength to hide it.

“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

God really got me thinking that Good Friday & Easter was not too long ago (even if it feels like a century has passed since). It was not too long ago that we remembered Jesus sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus dying on a cross & rising again!

So today, I’m embracing the loneliness. I’m letting the tears run free.  I’m accepting that I’m sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane and though, I want my closest allies to stay awake & pray with me, there are nowhere to be seen when I truly need them. Today, all I have is God. Today, all I want is to be free of this, but what I ask for is “not my will, but yours Lord.”