In this passage, Paul describes the dilemma of every Christian that has ever walked this earth.
One the one hand, we want to die. Death means to be finally reunited with our Maker, God & His King, Jesus. Death means to walk into the new creation where there is no death, pain, suffering, sickness or mourning. Life, on the other hand, means more opportunities to serve God and give Him glory, not to mention more opportunities to share our faith with friends and family.. We are torn.
For those of us who are chronically ill, we know that this dilemma is stretched even further. If you're anything like me, death is the better option, by a long shot. If you are anything like me, you struggle to imagine ever serving again, let alone sharing your faith with others. Chronic illness sometimes robs us of our ability to serve. Over the years, I have watched all my passions of serving and the various things I was involved in disappear one after another from my hands.. It's tough; I mean losing hobbies & friends is hard enough. But losing the ability to serve God is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face.
Two things I think that are helpful for us to remember:
1. We don't know what the future holds.
Friends, even as I write this, I find it difficult to imagine things will get much better; I struggle to dream of a day when I can catch up & encourage fellow Christians without finding it draining & painful. I wonder if I'll ever pursue my dreams of full-time ministry. But still, I don't know. I can't be certain that I will never get that chance. Only God knows my future. This much I do know, God never needs us to have any abilities to serve Him; after all, He is the giver of abilities. All he asks for is a willing heart. So if you want to serve but can't, talk to God about it. Beg & plead & beg some more for the chance to be involved in His Kingdom work. In Luke 10:2, Jesus says, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Why not ask the Lord to send you, to equip you for His work?
Let me be brutally honest. God did not answer this prayer of mine for a good long year. It was difficult waiting on Him & in some ways, I think I am still waiting. But, as of last week, I have tasted a glimmer of His grace in answering my prayer. I have been begging God for not just the opportunity to share my faith (because I've had plenty) but the energy to take it up as well as clear cognitive function to actually be able to think & respond. Two weeks ago, I was at the hairdressers when all of a sudden she asked me if it was Ash Wednesday. This led to a short but unmistakable opportunity to talk about God.
In my prayers the next week, I asked God how I'd be able to talk about God since at best, I have maybe 25% time without brain fog. Then, at work, a former colleague of mine & I had a decent chat about our beliefs and why I choose to be a Christian. She even agreed to discuss it further on Skype, as we both had some work to get through before the end of the day! And this was a day when my brain was absolutely foggy. In fact, I thought I was blubbering nonsense the whole time but thank God that He can use even my nonsense for His glory! Hurrah!
2. God is seen clearly when we are weak and broken.
Friends, you need to hear this. Even if you are not sharing your faith, even if you are lost and unable to move, even if you are not really going to evangelistic events or seeing conversions around you, I promise you that God is using your health circumstances to bring Him glory. He most definitely is!
Most of us will never know how are helping the Kingdom of God & that's because we don't have the advantage of being out of time & space, like God. We can't see the impact our suffering & trust in God is having on the people around us. But trust me, God is definitely not letting it go to waste & He most certainly has a plan in place to bring Himself glory.
In my years of chronic illness, one thing I have noticed most clearly - People cannot ignore the fact there is something wrong with the world when they see someone walking through chronic illness. We remind people of their mortality & for those who don't know God, of their judgement. We are bright shiny neon signs that say, "Something is wrong; You need help to be made right with God." Now, this is not to say, that this isn't true in some sense for all Christians. I just think it's a much brighter, & ultimately harder to ignore, light for the chronically ill.
As I read this verse written by Paul, perhaps I can paraphrase it a little to help us remember this truth:
'For me, to live is to be neon sign for Christ and to die is to be free & at home with God at last.'
Love always :)
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